Welp, this is my first real blog....ever. I understand that it is 2008, I understand that the Internet has been around as long as Al Gore could breath, and I understand that I should "get with the freakin' program," therefore, here ya go.
I thought I would start out telling you about one of my most prized accomplishments, a tale of truth and humility, a story about taking adeuce.....on the highway.
In the summer of 2003 I became a legend. I had just finished annihilating kids with awesomeness at a leadership camp. I of course was eighteen years old and a junior counselor. For a celebration, the other camp staff and I went to the Mexican restaurant in a near by town. Of course I ate too much, but in my defense, it doesn't take much when eating Mexican food to cause thecatastrophe that was about to unfold.
The next day I left that camp, car packed, radio cranked, and pedal to the floor. After a stop in Ellensburg, I was ready for the second leg of the journey. If you don't know anything about Eastern Washington, you're not missing much. A desert waste land, place of misery and boredom, and a place that will forever be the bearer of one of my burdens.
I was approaching the mid way point between Eburg and Spokane when the bubble guts (BG's) started a brewin'. I did the same thing everyone else does in this situation, grip the the wheel and squeeze. This technique can fend off and potential mess for at least 12 minutes, but I still had at good hour and a half left to travel. I knew what had to be done.
Lucky, being the good camp counselor that I was, I had taken a personally supply of 2 ply TP, which was conveniently the last packed item in my trunk. I let out all gas with caution. I quickly, however, had reached the bottom of my gas barrel, and was ready to enter phase two. Phase two begins with a cautious fart and ends with almost unloading the whole load in your pants. It's almost as if your turd has a fist, and it punches your hole just after you release its swinging. In a split second I have the cold sweats. My butt is now off the seat, as I am trying to stand in the car while driving. Getting your body out the sitting position is key.
Let me get one thing straight, in a do or die situation, I do. I think quick, check the rear view, and toss on the blinker. IT'S GO TIME. I forty-five that car on the shoulder and get to the trunk. I'm moving like my butt is on fire, praying that my muscles don't give out. I grab the roll and open the passengers door. With my back against the front fender and holding out my pants to prevent any potential projectile issues, I leave a legacy right there on the highway.
As I drove away, sweating from relief, I couldn't help not to look in the rear view and be filled with a since of pride. It's not every day, let alone, every life time that someone gets to unleash a fury of uncontrolled bowel movement on 106 degree highway pavement. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this blog, and look forward to many more.
